Lubrication in Ancient Times: Greece, Rome and Egypt
- Diane Black
- Aug 13, 2024
- 8 min read
Slippery Secrets of the Ancients
Grab your time machines and ditch the misconceptions, friends, because believe it or not, the idea of lube isn't some shiny, new invention that popped up alongside Silicon Valley tech bros and organic, vegan lip balms. Oh no, we're throwing it way back to the days of the ancient Greeks, Romans, and Egyptians - think less 'Netflix and chill,' and more 'chariots and thrill.' These OG pioneers of pleasure knew the secret sauce to a good time, understanding that a dash of slip could take their intimate encounters from basic to mind-blowing.
Let's zoom in on ancient Greece, where olive oil wasn't just the MVP of your avocado toast
but also the holy grail of lubes. Yes, you heard that right! Before they hit the gymnasium (because back then, a gym date was literally Olympic training), athletes would lube up with this nectar of the gods, glistening under the Mediterranean sun like something straight out of a slow-mo sports advertisements (plus they did it naked). But let's be real, they were onto something. Olive oil as lube? Talk about a silky-smooth transition from the dinner table to... other more horizontal activities.
But let's not let Greece steal the entire spotlight, shall we? The Romans and Egyptians were no slouches in the lube department either. They were the kind of people who looked at the resources around them and thought, "You know what would make this better? Making it smoother." That's the kind of innovation I can get behind.
Roman Ingenuity
Oh, my stars, gather 'round because the Romans were serving up some serious lube game that makes your drugstore variety look like child's play. Imagine this: you're living in ancient Rome, togas are the height of fashion (breezy, versatile, and, let's face it, kind of sexy in a draped sort of way), and olive oil is already your go-to for getting down. But, because Romans were basically the inventors of the saying "go big or go home," they decided to kick it up a notch. Enter beeswax.
Yes, the same stuff that gives us delicious honey and those fancy candles you only light when you’re trying to impress someone. They mixed it with olive oil and voilà! A super-lube was born.
I mean, talk about a combo. It’s like the ancient world's peanut butter and jelly. But this wasn’t just for those intimate moments when you’re whispering sweet nothings in Latin. Nah, they had bigger plans.
This waxy wonder was used for greasing up chariot wheels, which is like the ancient version of making sure your ride is as smooth as your pickup lines. And siege engines? Yep, because nothing says “romantic evening” quite like laying siege to a city with your gadgets gliding effortlessly, thanks to that olive oil and beeswax mix.
How’s that for versatility? From the bedroom to the battlefield, this lubricant was the MVP of ancient Rome. It's one of those fun facts that makes you think, “Wow, the more things change, the more they really do stay the same.” I mean, who knew that a little beeswax could remind us how interconnected our desires for comfort, pleasure, and efficiency have always been? So next time you're reaching for your favorite slippery friend, just remember, you're practically making history.
Egyptian Elegance
Oh, babes, if you thought our ancestors weren't as frisky and inventive as us, think again. Let's take a scandalous little detour to ancient Egypt, where they were slaying the lube game long before it was cool—or even a word, for that matter.
Yes, under those billowing linen loincloths and amid those mysterious pyramids, the Egyptians were concocting their own lubes like they were preparing for an episode of "Ancient Masters of Mixology."
First up on their hit list? Good ol' aloe vera. Not just for sunburns, my friends. These clever ancients used it to soothe more than just their skin after a day out building monuments. It's like they knew we'd be hunting down aloe-infused products thousands of years later for that gentle, soothing glide. Talk about being ahead of their time!
But wait, it gets better—or weirder, depending on how adventurous you're feeling. Animal fats were also in their sexy toolkit. Imagine slathering that on with your hieroglyphics-engraved spatula. It’s giving very much "all-natural, but make it sexy."
And for their grand finale, the pièce de résistance that'll have you either squirming or applauding their audacity: lubricating suppositories made from crocodile dung and honey. Yep, you read that right. Crocodile. Dung. Mixed with honey, because apparently, the path to pleasure is paved with... well, let’s just say "unexpected choices." It’s kind of like finding out your grandma’s secret cake recipe includes something you'd never dare eat on its own. But hey, who are we to judge? Maybe they were onto the ultimate organic concoction.
This twist in the tale is the epitome of getting down and dirty with nature, quite literally. So, next time you're browsing the fancy lubes at your local store, chuckling at the quirky flavors and ingredients, just remember: the Egyptians were the original pioneers of keeping things slick, making do with what they had, from plants to... poocodile dung. And honey, that’s not just innovation; it's sheer, unapologetic audacity. Hats (or, in this case, crowns) off to them!
Japanese Joy
We’re zipping through the time vortex back to ancient Japan, but before we go any further, let me hit the pause button for a sec. I mean, can you even imagine the group chat updates if we had time travel? "BRB, just popping over to ancient Japan to check out their lube situation. #HistoricalSlipNSlide."
Okay, focus—because now we get to the part where things get intriguing.
Japan, where the lube landscape was as refined and sophisticated as their tea ceremony. Now, when we think about ancient lubricants, it's easy to imagine some hit-or-miss concoctions, but the Japanese? They were all about that high-quality slide, making their intimate encounters smoother than a samurai unsheathing his sword.
The star of the show in ancient Japan was none other than Tororo-jiru!
Yeah, try saying that five times fast after a few sakes. And yes you can eat it, . . . I just want you to let your imganiation go wild for a moment.
But what is this mysterious substance, you ask? It’s a slippery, slimy, and altogether delightful concoction made from grated yam. That's right, yams aren't just for Thanksgiving anymore, folks.
Now, before you go, turning up your nose at the thought of getting down and dirty with something from your veggie drawer, let me paint you a picture. Imagine this: it's a sultry evening, paper lanterns casting soft shadows, and there you are, reaching for something to make the night even more special. That's when the yam comes in – it’s all-natural, vegan-friendly (way ahead of its time), and guaranteed to make everything... glide with ease.
But why yam, you might wonder? Well, not only did it provide the perfect slickness, but it was also abundantly available, and let's face it, practicality is sexy. Plus, in a time long before the convenience of hopping online or dashing to the nearest store, ancient lovers were all about utilizing what Mother Nature provided in the most... stimulating ways possible.
So, next time you're contemplating the wonders of modern lubrication, remember the cleverness of those ancient Japanese lovers. They were pioneers in pleasure, proving that sometimes, the best solutions are the simplest—and that there’s nothing wrong with adding a little extra "natural goodness" to the mix. And hey, bonus points for multitasking with your groceries, right?
It just goes to show, whether it's 2024 or centuries ago in Japan, we humans have always been a resourceful bunch when it comes to getting it on. And if there’s anything to take away from this juicy tidbit of history, it’s that exploration, innovation, and a little bit of yam can go a long way in the quest for a good time.
Dynastic Delights
Alright, let’s dive—or rather, wade—into the shores of ancient China, where the ocean wasn't just for swimming or fishing. Nope, the clever folks of yore found seaweed’s secret perk: doubling as nature's lube! That’s right, while you’re pondering sushi wraps, ancient Chinese lovers were two steps ahead, wrapping up their intimate moments with nothing less than a splash of seaweed slickness.
Now, hold up before you get all squeamish on me! Picture this: a misty morning on the Chinese coast, and our ancestors lurking around like they're scouting for the best seafood buffet. But no, they’re after the juiciest, slipperiest seaweed they can find. Why? Because when it comes to bedroom innovations, nothing says "old school cool," like marine botany!
I know what you're thinking. Seaweed? Really? Yes, really! It's sustainable, it’s slippery, and let’s be honest, it’s intriguing enough to make you pause that swipe session on your dating app. Ancient Chinese lovers utilized seaweed for its natural lubricating properties, turning oceanic resources into a game changer for their romantic expeditions. Essentially, they were eco-friendly before it was even a hashtag!
But here comes the juicy kelpy part: seaweed isn't just a slick operator in the sheets. This oceanic wonder is crammed with minerals and moisturizing qualities, making it kind to skin while promoting a smooth ride. It’s like the skincare routine you never knew you could incorporate into your sexy time!
So next time you hit the beach or consider dodging that seaweed salad, remember its saucy historical significance. The ancient Chinese weren’t just masters of herbal medicine and poetic language; they knew a thing or two about keeping things naturally lubricated and luxuriously fluid.
Bottom line? If our ancient friends were innovation wizards with a touch of oceanic kink, maybe it's time we start thinking outside the box—or the sea, I should say. And let’s face it, a little seaweed might just be the sustainable secret ingredient missing from your bedside drawer! So dive in, dear reader, the water’s just fine—and quite accommodating!
So, there you have it, my adventurous friends—our titillating tour through the slippery secrets of the ancients has come to a splashy finish. Who would've thought our journey into the past would reveal such wild, wonderful, and let's be honest, sometimes wacky wisdom on getting slick with it? From the olive oil oiled gladiators of Greece and the beeswax blend of the Romans to the innovative yam lovers in Japan and the seaweed slickness of ancient China, history has shown us that when it comes to pleasure, necessity truly is the mother of invention.
Now, as we teleport back to our modern lives, laden with all the high-tech, flavored, and "specially formulated" lubes at our fingertips, let's not forget the ingenuity and gusto of our ancestors. They remind us that at the core of our sexual exploits, exploration, laughter, and a bit of audacity can turn the ordinary into something utterly extraordinary.
So, the next time you find yourself reaching for that bottle of the latest and greatest in lube technology, take a moment to chuckle and tip your hat (or togas, if you're feeling particularly historical) to those who paved the slippery way. Whether your preferences lie with the classics or you're dabbling in the delights of modern advancements, remember: sex, like history, is best enjoyed with a sense of humor, a spirit of adventure, and, most importantly, a good story to tell.
And who knows? Maybe one day, our quirky choices will be the fodder for future generations, marveling at our own "ancient" methods, laughing, learning, and continuing the never-ending quest for the perfect slip 'n slide. Until then, stay curious, stay lubricated, and keep making history in the most delightful ways imaginable. Cheers to that, you glorious innovators of intimacy!
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